I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
