I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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