did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
