like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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