My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
it was like having sex with a tree stump
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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