i think i have two assholes
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
