Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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