i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
All I want is dick and wine.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
