drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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