Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
two words...techno handjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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