I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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