i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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