theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I will be naked everywhere
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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