we have pet lesbian snakes
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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