Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I did not marry a roomba.
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