I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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