Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize