I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
