i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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