bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
