then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
