all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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