She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
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Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
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At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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