I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
