I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
