She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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