omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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