I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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