That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I don't deserve a penis
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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