tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
