I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Randomize
