living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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