there's paper in my vomit.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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