I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
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