There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
