I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
the condom got lost in my hair
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Randomize
