yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
