I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
