going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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