My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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