So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
