I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
