never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
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So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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