she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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