I think I died a long time ago.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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