It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
