That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
