Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
