I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
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Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
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One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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