I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
