i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
