I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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