The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
