Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
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And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
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We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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